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The Daily Outrage: 5th July 2024
Jul. 5th, 2024 11:15 pmThere was fury today when "Sir" "Keir" "Starmer" won the 2024 general election. The news was instantly condemned by Nadine Dorries, Ann Widdecombe and God. Starmer, a leftie lawyer who has defended the likes of Abu Hamza, Fred West and Noel Edmonds, swept to a majority of 170, cruelly depriving our Conservative betters of their God-given right to rule. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, who lost the seat he'd held since 1875, said in his concession speech "Sir Keir Starmer? Sir Woke Tofu, more like!" He then fell on his bayonet.
It is feared that the incoming Labour government will undo all the progress of the last 14 years, such as the blowing up of all council houses and the replacement of hospitals with escape rooms.
Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything, has written to the new Prime Minister urging him to erase the word "trans" from the dictionary, and bring in mandatory hair length checks for all children. Sources in the new administration say that the proposals are being seriously considered, and an announcement is expected soon.
Editorial statement: We stand on the brink of the apocalypse. It is only a matter of time before right-thinking Conservative voters are sent to Angela Rayner's woke concentration camps. Just like in Stalin's gulags, prisoners will slowly waste away on a diet of quinoa and Ryvita, all served directly from the kitchen of Caroline Lucas. Those who survive will be required to work 24/7 serving banquets to Afghan immigrants, some of whom didn't even risk their lives to translate for British soldiers. There is only one conclusion we can draw from the victory of this insane Left cabal: the Tories were not right-wing enough. If Britain still exists in five years' time, the Conservative and Unionist Party's only hope is to stand a ChatGPT replica of Andrew Tate in every consitutuency.
This was a new entry in a series of parody articles I wrote in 1998 and 1999, inspired by the Daily Mail and Daily Express newspapers. You can find the original articles here: Arganoid's Comedy Page
It is feared that the incoming Labour government will undo all the progress of the last 14 years, such as the blowing up of all council houses and the replacement of hospitals with escape rooms.
Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything, has written to the new Prime Minister urging him to erase the word "trans" from the dictionary, and bring in mandatory hair length checks for all children. Sources in the new administration say that the proposals are being seriously considered, and an announcement is expected soon.
Editorial statement: We stand on the brink of the apocalypse. It is only a matter of time before right-thinking Conservative voters are sent to Angela Rayner's woke concentration camps. Just like in Stalin's gulags, prisoners will slowly waste away on a diet of quinoa and Ryvita, all served directly from the kitchen of Caroline Lucas. Those who survive will be required to work 24/7 serving banquets to Afghan immigrants, some of whom didn't even risk their lives to translate for British soldiers. There is only one conclusion we can draw from the victory of this insane Left cabal: the Tories were not right-wing enough. If Britain still exists in five years' time, the Conservative and Unionist Party's only hope is to stand a ChatGPT replica of Andrew Tate in every consitutuency.
This was a new entry in a series of parody articles I wrote in 1998 and 1999, inspired by the Daily Mail and Daily Express newspapers. You can find the original articles here: Arganoid's Comedy Page
